Remembering James: Three Years Later

A Day of Reflection

Today marks three years since I said my final goodbye to my James.

I woke up at 4:45 AM, just like I did three years ago. But this time, I wasn’t gearing up for another shift at Denny's. Nope! Today, I got lucky—daycare’s closed for a conference. So, I remembered what day it was and rolled back into bed until 9. Procrastination? Oh, I’m a pro at that!

My mom reached out to check on me. How am I? Well, I’m irritable, tired (even with the extra sleep), and feeling a bit raw. I’m still furious about how he died. I’m mad that my family had to lose him while horrible people stroll around in perfect health. I’m still so fucking sad.

Finding Strength in Grief

But here’s the kicker: I’m stronger now than I was three years ago. I’ve learned what’s important and what’s just noise. I often wish I could hop into an alternate timeline where James and I celebrate June 13th as the day he turned a corner and made a miraculous recovery. But, alas, I’m stuck in this timeline.

In this timeline, I buy myself flowers that James would have picked for me. I cry. I crank up Lamb of God, Nirvana, and Alice in Chains, and I remember. I make chicken enchiladas for dinner and stay sober.

And just like the 1,096 days before, I’ll get back to my new normal of showing up.

Showing Up Every Day

I’m showing up tired.

I’m showing up grieving.

I’m showing up imperfect.

I’m showing up the best I can.

I’m showing up learning, and I’m showing up to keep living since James was taken way too fucking early at 36 years old.

I love you and miss you, James. ❤️

The Journey of Healing

Grief is a wild ride, isn’t it? Some days, it feels like I’m on a rollercoaster that just won’t stop. I’ve learned to embrace the chaos, though. It’s part of my journey.

I’ve discovered that healing isn’t linear. Some days, I feel like I’m moving forward, and others, it’s like I’m stuck in quicksand. But I keep pushing through. I keep showing up.

Embracing the Pain

Let’s be real: pain is a part of life. It’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, and it can be downright unbearable. But it’s also a teacher. It teaches us resilience, strength, and the importance of cherishing every moment.

I’ve learned to embrace my pain. I’ve learned to let it wash over me like a wave. Sure, it knocks me down sometimes, but I always get back up.

Celebrating the Little Things

In the midst of all this chaos, I’ve found joy in the little things. A warm cup of coffee in the morning, a funny meme that makes me laugh, or a random act of kindness from a stranger. These moments remind me that life is still beautiful, even in the darkest times.

And let’s not forget about the gifts! I’ve got a knack for finding unique, humorous, and slightly edgy gifts that bring a smile to my face. It’s like a little piece of magic in my day.

The Power of Community

I’ve also discovered the power of community. Surrounding myself with people who understand my journey has been a game-changer. They get it. They know the ups and downs, and they’re there to lift me up when I need it most.

So, here’s to showing up, embracing the pain, and celebrating the little things. Here’s to James, who taught me so much about love and life. I’ll keep living, laughing, and finding joy in the chaos.

Because that’s what he would have wanted.